Here is my post about mindful meditation for trans and non-binary folx. I hope you enjoy it.
All along I have admitted that I come from a world of money and privilege. I am neither proud nor embarrassed by this fact. If I had the monetary wealth that comes with that position, I would be using it to promote what I view as the higher good and social justice. The power and privilege that comes from being a white, able-bodied, well-educated, dude in America comes with innumerable advantages. I do my best to recognize the power I have and to redistribute that wealth whenever possible.
Having this power isn’t stopping me from freaking the fuck out about losing my healthcare and the few fragile protections we queers have gained in the past 20 years. It isn’t saving me from cold-sweat nightmares about being dragged into the street and shot or screaming with no sound as I am forced to watch my friends tortured to death for creating subversive words (that was last night’s unconscious gift to myself), nor is it saving me from constant worry about where we as a country are going when we allow the demons of our base nature drive the bus.
Growing up in the world I did, I have a paltry gift to offer my friends and loves about the current state of the state. It is a simple message: the 1%ers really don’t care.
We’ll return to the gift part in a paragraph or two but let me explain what I mean here. The 1%ers really, truly don’t give a shit about who is caught doing what. Trump’s taxes, the DAPL, who is in bed with the Russians, who is buying power, the BLATANT lies, deceits, and total moral decrepitude that defines the modern nationalist movement, none of it matters to the people in power and the people who benefit from it. They will sit on their verandae drinking expensive booze and laugh about refugees being turned back at the borders and being forced to return to certain death. They willfully forget their grandparents and great-grandparents who came to the US as refugees, their parents who fought and dies in world wars to defeat nationalist parties. Why? Because nationalism WORKS for them. They literally CANNOT imagine a world where their wealth and privilege won’t both protect them from the “ugliness” and be increased by allowing the liars and the fear-mongers to drive. They cannot be moved to care about the Other.
These are the same people who go to church and temple and feel righteous when they put a big bill in the donation box. “See,” they think, “I’m doing my part. No one can accuse me of being stingy.” They will argue for a flat-rate tax not understanding that 10% of their annual income represents the choice between renewing the lease on the Lexus this year or next when a 10% tax on the rest of us means deciding daily between eating OR medications, between shoes or gas to go to work. Upon reading that sentence, the first thought a 1%er would have is, “well, if you stopped eating junk food, maybe you wouldn’t need those expensive medicines. My taxes pay for buses, take those,” not thinking about the food deserts that millions live in, the desperation to provide calories to their bodies, or the fact that the bus means being late to work and being fired. The 1% still buy into the concept of the welfare queen, and the myths which have been crafted to appease them.
“I’m not a bad person!” they will claim while denying the abundant science supporting global climate change. The truth is irrelevant. The stock in Exxon will bring in enough to pay for the vacation house, and besides, look at all the money that’s gone into the Gulf Coast since the Deep Water Horizon disaster. They want to believe in the beneficence of big business and they want it to be reflected in their immediate lives. When confronted by facts, they will lean on lies (what our current administration would like us to accept as “alternative- facts,” a term which makes my stomach churn). Scientists and artists alike are vilified unless they produce the results that soothe the tiny voice of disquiet which may surface from time to time. They want big government when it serves them and state power when it doesn’t. They are libertarians and pat themselves on the back for pushing individuals to pull themselves up by the bootstraps. And sometimes they’re just selfish and dumb or they are true sociopaths.
To be clear, the theo-political right has embraced one element of science to their great advantage- the biology of fear. When we are afraid, our amygdala hijacks the rest our brain and creates a flight/fight/freeze response; we have drunk the koolaid of fear. It’s not a direct causal response, but rather a corollary reaction. However, there is a growing body of scientific evidence supporting the social science observation that when humans are afraid, we are comforted by strong demonstrations of aggressive strength. It is hard to think rationally when we are in a constant state of fear and the more frequently we are exposed to fear inducing stimuli, the more hyper-reactive our brains become. In short, when our brains are constantly prodded into fear, we don’t think clearly, we want something strong to take charge, and we become more susceptible to the prodding in the first place. Congratulations evolving brainmeats, you helped us elect nationalist fear-mongers.
Back to my point, since the 1%ers really don’t give a rat’s ass about us, what we have to say, or, ya know, reality, there is a level of freedom we can achieve. Please don’t take what I am about to say as an endorsement of political apathy! If they don’t give a shit about truth, lies, or getting caught doing illegal or immoral things (and really, they don’t), we can stop giving a shit about what they think of us.We can stop trying to show them evidence of lies and deceptions. They know and they DON’T CARE.
Maybe this is just me– I haven’t tested this theory with others– but I have spent so much of my physical, mental, and emotional capital on convincing rich people in power to change their minds, to see issues from my perspective, to listen to science or even tiny bits of reason. For me, all this has done is wear me down to a little nub of despondency and frustration. Although I have often compared this action to rearranging deck-chairs on the Titanic, I wasn’t listening to my own inner guidance. STOP moving the damn deck-chairs.
“But, Whit,” you might say, “they run everything. We can’t just stop,” and I agree, we can’t stop fighting and advocating for our rights, the rights of others, and the right of our planet to be healthy. Continue to be politically vocal and active. But stop spending your energy trying to get them to change their minds or to see the “right” in your beliefs and the “wrong” in theirs. At this point, they either will or they won’t. I’m not arguing that the people who hold power should be allowed to act with impunity. Far from it. There are many humans in the world who derive energy and power from fighting “the good fight” and speaking truth to power. I think of them as political and social justice extroverts. The extroverts will continue to push for impeachment and for equitable redistribution of voting rights. They deserve every once of my support and they have it.
I am a social justice and political action introvert. I don’t use this term as an excuse for apathy and inaction, far from it. I think of this as a way of best harnessing my potential for the most effective good and positive-feedback loop. After many years of operating in push back mode, I have come to the conclusion that fighting the old way is bad for me. What this conclusion has meant for me is to stop trying to share fact-based data with people who are firmly entrenched in the philosophies of fear and hate.
Where I put my energy these days is supporting my QTPOC family, my black and brown, Muslim, queer, poor, or ill friends. I put energy into my immediate community and I reserve my voice for times when it will be best used and for the moments when silence=violence.
I take the time to speak to those who truly are invested in the moral and ethical values our country espouses and claims to represent. This is the hard part of the work- sifting through what feels like so much crazy to identify where my voice will do good. Finding the people with whom a rational conversation is still possible is my goal because once you’ve drunk the koolaid of fear, it’s hard to come back from that place. It has meant walking away from some long-term friendships and family members for my personal self-care and has created some deep grief.
This doesn’t mean that you won’t find me on the front lines of social justice action because you will. If the Trumpban goes into effect again (thank you Hawaii!), I will be at DIA; if a black man is shot by the police, you’ll see me standing with BLM. What you won’t see is me burning my candle at both ends trying to convince the damned that they’re going to hell. I’m not in the business of saving people who are sailing their own wood-paneled yachts across the River Styx.
I’ll Be Homo for the Holidays In Part 1, I wrote about the challenges facing queers this time of year. Part 2 brings us to options regardless of our decisions to or not to participate in fest…
Source: Queering the Holidays Part 2
I’ll Be Homo for the Holidays
In Part 1, I wrote about the challenges facing queers this time of year. Part 2 brings us to options regardless of our decisions to or not to participate in festivus with families. I’m going to break it down into three parts: self-care, care-of-others, care-for-intimate-relationships. Each, of course, informs the others. Some of this is directed at queer folx and some at our allies.
The phrase “self-care” has become ubiquitous in modern discourse but what does it really mean? In the context of holiday stress, I think of it as allowing myself to do the things that feel the most safe, healthy, and connected. Each person is going to have their own self-care lists. Here are the things that top my personal list: putting forgiveness first; getting more sleep than usual; eating as well as possible; working out regularly (and maybe a bit more than usual); reading extra brain candy; saying no to things I don’t want to do; reaching out to loved ones whenever I start feeling blue; doing good in my communities; defending others as I would myself; defending myself as I would others; therapy (physical and emotional); playing with my dogs and cat; seeking physical comfort and contact; planning fun events both over the holidays and into the future. The list could go on and changes daily but those are the regular visitors.
The only items on this list that I feel bear expanding upon are defending myself and others and putting forgiveness first. Mostly, the forgiveness is for myself. Most people I know are their own worst critics and I am no exception. I am fortunate that I don’t suffer from much seasonal depression and I love cold weather but I recognize that in the winter months I am prone to more self-critique than usual. Between receiving holiday cards (seriously, who manages to get all their shit together enough to take the pics, get them printed, sign them and mail them out??) of happy families doing happy things, new years resolutions (I don’t do this) and reflections (I do this), ghosts of festivus past, toxic family encounters (and choosing not to participate in them with all the requisite feelings there), and a general introvert’s reluctance to socialize, I can get really down on myself. So I try to spend a bit more time on forgiveness. It’s OK if I don’t want to go to things and it’s OK when I do. This leads to standing up for myself as I would for others and standing up for others as I would myself. When someone is attacking you (even if it’s you doing the attacking), try this thought experiment: if a friend was telling you about this very experience, what would you tell them? Would you say, “that’s crap! you don’t deserve that!” or would you remain silent. Assuming you are an empathetic human, you’d defend your friend. Then ask yourself why you’re less worthy than your friend. It’s a simple shift but it can create dramatic results. If you suddenly start according yourself the same respect you give to others, the ground you stand on becomes much more solid.
Conversely, it can be very healing and empowering when you stand up to someone attacking a friend or even a stranger. I’m not advocating you put yourself at risk but I am saying that there can be a great deal of power at extending your comfort zone in advocating for others. I’ve often wondered if there is more to the idea that acts of charity are so common during the time of year when days are so short because it feels good to do good. Maybe we need to extend ourselves in order to lighten our own loads. That, however, is a different rabbit hole.
Back on topic, let’s talk about being good to your intimate relationships- by this I mean lovers, close friends, family, etc.- those people who are core to you. I’m talking to you, queer ally. If you count queer folx in the mix of your intimates, put extra effort into reaching out to them. If you have family members who are queer or questioning, it’s not enough to just love them. Sure, that’s a critical first step but go beyond love. Ask them how they would like to be welcomed into your family. Ask what they need to feel safe. When you’re sitting around the table and the drunkle makes that horrible joke, don’t let him get away with it and don’t make your queer family member do the defending. To paraphrase Vernā Myers, when Grandma makes a racist comment at the table and no one says anything, look around the table. What does the nine year old at the other end of the table learn?
When I was first coming out as trans, some simple things my friends and family did that were really helpful were making sure that I was being identified correctly and when someone did misgender me, I wasn’t always the one to have to correct them. Don’t make assumptions about the gender of their favorite people. You might have to ask but be aware that the dining room table with the extended family might not be the best moment to say, “hey Whit, are you still sleeping with people of all genders?” For me, that would be cool but it might be very exposing and make someone else feel vulnerable regardless of your intention to be the cool elder sibling. Ask, advocate, listen, act, listen some more.
If you know that you have a loved one who has chosen to go into a toxic environment, step back from the self-righteous position of criticizing the decision. You don’t know what factors play into that decision and heaping critique upon them can do nothing but hurt. When I know I have people who are heading that way, I just tell them I am available to them if they need to talk or vent, I try to find out what local resources might be available to them while they’re at risk, and I try to make plans either for a catch-up or a fun event when they come back.
If your queer folx opt to stay out of family events, know that this is an equally difficult decision. When we choose not to participate, we may be doing what is safe and kind but it also hurts. Again, reach out. Extend invitations, be graceful if they are declined, try to make plans for the future.
Last but certainly not least, if the season has you, a friend, family member or loved one at their wit’s end, reach out to crisis centers, suicide hotlines, networks and other resources. Here are a few:
The Trevor Project offers online, phone and text support for LGBTQ youth in crisis. However, if you’re not a “youth” don’t hesitate to reach out to them: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
The TransLifeline: https://www.translifeline.org/
The National Suicide Prevention Hotline: http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
The American Foundation for Suicide Preventsion: https://afsp.org/
For family guidance, PFLAG has resources all over the country: https://www.pflag.org/
And because I love the TED Talk I referenced: https://www.ted.com/talks/verna_myers_how_to_overcome_our_biases_walk_boldly_toward_them
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! There are a lot of people for whom it’s true but for many of us, the holiday season brings unusual pressures and can be the most difficult time…
Source: Queering the Holidays Part 1
It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
There are a lot of people for whom it’s true but for many of us, the holiday season brings unusual pressures and can be the most difficult time of the year. Not all challenges of the season are exclusive to queer folx but there are some that have a unique flavor.
For queers who have left the fold, being away from the limitations and pressures of family (and sometimes hometowns or communities) have allowed us to discover, embrace, and love ourselves in ways we couldn’t before. While this is true of many cisgender, heteronormative people, it can be a particularly key piece of development in the queer human. Without the scrutiny from our families we can date who we like, kiss our loves, dress, speak and BE our true selves. Away from religious or social community, we have the space to examine the standards we’ve been handed. Moving away often allows us to meet people who feel like us, look like us, and love like us.
The expectation that we go home for the holidays may represent a critical set of choices: Do I go home? Can I bring my favorite person? Will they be welcomed in the same ways as my heteronormative relatives’ favorite people? Can I dress in accordance with my gender identity without risk? Will I be safe physically, mentally, or emotionally? I love my core family but my drunkle makes everything miserable. Is this the year he actually hits one of us in a rage about his fag nephew? What, really, is the cost?
It’s important to note that these questions aren’t just asked by college-age kids. Sure, there has been a shift in some places which has allowed many queer kids to be embraced as who they are from the outset but one quick glance at the news and in particular, the comments on the news* shows the hatred and vitriol we face is real and is ugly. Queers from nine to ninety-nine face this dilemma annually.
Then there is the secondary question we ask if we’ve decided the juice of family and familiarity is worth the squeeze of risk and vulnerability. Can I be myself? Think about that for a moment. I am going to visit the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally and I have to ask Can I Be Myself? What are the conditions of my return? How much do I have to pretend to be straight, cisgender, non-transgressive in order to receive this love? Then we circle back to the initial question… is it worth it?
And what are the risks involved in not participating in family festivus? The risk of rejection is equally real no matter which we choose. Does not going home mean missing the things we do love about the season? Do I choose to avoid my drunkle and risk missing my grandmother for her last year? Will I lose what financial, material, or emotional support I do get? And what will I do with myself? For many of us, the weight of being alone for the holidays seems heavier than the weight of family pressure right up until the moment we remember why we left in the first place.
And that is the crux right there. The Catch-22 of going home to risk being miserable or staying away to risk being miserable.
I’m a solution-focused kinda guy and this is one of the most frustrating places to be. When there isn’t an obvious solution to the problem. Move on to Queering the Holidays Part 2 for thoughts on how to move through the season with grace while minimizing risk and opening up to joy.
*All comments sections should come with content warnings. DO NOT read them if you’re feeling the least bit fragile!
This is a letter I wrote to a close family member. I feel the need to record it:
This is why I never had children.
I have never been able to stomach bringing life into this world and handing a child this future. This election has just reinforced my thinking. You can say I’m being hysterical (a deeply sexist term, btw), you can say you’ll protect me but the facts are stunning and bleak. Nearly half the voting public just said they’d rather I die than inconvenience them. And no one on the Republican platform has ever protected me from anything not when I was 12 and my classmates made me sleep in the hotel bathtub because no one would share a bed with me, not when I watched a friend get beaten to death when I was 14, not at 21 when Colorado passed a law saying I could get fired or made homeless because of who I loved, not when my trans sisters have been murdered more than any population in the US, and not now.
There isn’t a single argument- taxes, welfare, gun rights (in 8 years of Obama, did anyone come for your guns?), economics, job growth, fucking emails, or Benghazi that changes the fact that making america “great again” is making it unsafe for me to live here.
There has never been a time when America was great for all people and this election isn’t going to get us to greatness. We elected small, petty, autocratic, hateful people who have preyed upon small minds, fear of change, and discomfort at not being told you’re somehow special because of the color of your skin or your penis. Petty, hateful, mean, white people voted out of fear, ignorance, hate mongering and sexism. This is what happens when we make education inaccessible, when people gain and hold onto power through denying others the rights to exercise their minds, and when fear trumps love.
You love me. I have no doubt of that. But that love doesn’t translate to compassion or thoughtful advocacy. All the money in the world won’t be worth the dirt on my grave if the fear mongers have their way. Never have I felt so afraid in my entire life.
I’m applying for PhD programs in New Zealand and getting ready to emigrate. I can’t stay here anymore. I’ve fought through too much to be this afraid every day. And just imagine– If I’m this afraid, how must people who don’t pass as straight and cisgender feel, how black and brown people feel, how Muslims feel. I spend a lot of time thinking about how others feel. Maybe that’s my curse. Usually it feels like a blessing. Today? Not so much.
This is what I’m thinking about today.
I never wanted to change my birth certificate. It’s a part of who I am and I’ve always been proud of where I came from. But today, this country looks like a place where I had better have all my documents matching just in case the worst happens or I get pulled over for a broken tail light and taken to jail. This is VERY REAL to me.
As my friend Dawn put it:
“Right, so, in response to Trump people complaining that they’re being labeled bigots who say they are not: Yes, you may be accepting and loving and wonderful in your own life, but if you voted for that man, you voted for someone who has openly and repeatedly used hate speech against pretty much every minority, who is going to trial for raping a minor, who talks about women like they’re sex toys or furniture, whose vp thinks [electrocuting gay children is ok and will make them straight], who has said he wants to turn back the clock on every LGBTQ rights law, who is actively promoted by the kkk, and whose election has entire communities literally afraid for their lives and their futures. So don’t expect me to be all “aww, so sorry. You’re a great person.” No. No. You voted for someone who thinks I and most of the people I love are expendable, unimportant, and not even really human. You voted for hate, for divisiveness, for racism, homophobia, transphobia, and ableism. And I and mine will suffer mightily for it.”
I love you. I always will. I hope you stayed home but somehow I suspect you didn’t.